Working On It

Who would have ever guessed that a Kelly Clarkson song would get my writing juices going?  Me, a lover of 70's Classic Rock.

I was planning on putting together a blog detailing some of the moments that were important in my wife, Pat's, last several weeks. So many things happened while she battled so hard to beat the cancer that was spreading through her body. Then, I hear, What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger, by Kelly Clarkson and to the computer I came. 

A year ago this week was a happy memory and, ultimately, another sad one in a string of horrible times.

After Pat broke her hip July 27, at her friend Nancy's pool, she was either in the hospital or the rehab facility.   While there, she had numerous doctor appointments and radiation treatments to try and slow the spread of cancer through her body. 

Finally, a bright spot. Pat was able to come home. My brother-in-law, Joe, (Pat's brother), built a box for the front porch and picked up a couple ramps so I could bring Pat home and get her from the car to the wheelchair and up the ramps into the house. On September 11, she came home. 

When I was finally able to get her up the ramps and into the house, I wheeled her past the kitchen and into the family room. As I did, I noticed she was crying. I asked her what was wrong? Was she in pain? Did I whack her knee on the wall coming in?

She looked at me and said, "I never thought I would be home again!" 

I was so happy to have her home. She was happy to be here. Now it was up to me to be her sole caregiver, without a doubt the toughest job anyone could ever have, being a caregiver for your spouse. 

When you get married, you buy in for everything, "sickness and health, till death do us part". We had a hospital bed, but Pat couldn't get comfortable, so I slept there and she was on the couch. I didn't leave her side. Day and night. Trips to the bathroom or the commode. Helping her wash up everyday and trying to make her as comfortable as possible, and still making the radiation treatments as the doctors tried to ease her pain. We sat together, watched TV, talked about how we got there. It was nice to have her home. 

We had an appointment to check her hip after her July surgery. Before that, she was having terrible pain in her back. When we went to the Orthopedist, he did an x-ray and said it appeared she had a crushed vertabra in her lower back. You gotta be kidding me! What more would my honey have to struggle through?

Just one week after she got home, I had planned for my sister and niece to come over to watch Pat as I had a business meeting downtown. That morning I helped Pat to the bathroom to cleanup and get ready. Unfortunately, her back was so bad, she couldn't get up from the toilet and I needed to call the paramedics. The pain was excruciating. They took her to the hospital. It was September 18. She had been home just seven days, and would never return home. 

It has been a year since those times. She passed on October 10, 2019. She is out of pain. She didn't have to fight her cancer during Covid. I can't imagine if she would have been battling in a hospital or rehab facility without me being able to see her. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. There is not a doubt of that. 

Pat and I had time to talk and discuss everything. Arrangements, what to do after she passed, where she wanted her ashes, (as close to her Dad at Queen of Heaven cemetery), and why we needed a double niche so my ashes could be next to hers for eternity. We talked about how I had to stay in touch with ALL her friends, and Pat had many. We had no regrets or things not discussed before she left us.

She told me numerous times how I would be fine after she left. I think she was just trying to convince us both. 

I'm working on it. Who knew beer and breweries could be a great hobby and one where I have met many new friends and gathered at with new and old friends to talk over a pint or three. I have a lot of great friends and all of Pat's friends have been a tremendous help.  Some of them had known her longer than I had and, like me, have a huge hole in our hearts and lives. 

The tears still come and you never know what will set them off. 

I am working on achieving that elusive "happiness" again and think I am heading in the right direction.